The time of year is fast approaching (and is already here) when I feel like I’m floating…direction-less…just kind of going through the motions of what I need to do but without much passion. The creative things that I was buzzing about even 2 months ago have evaporated and I can’t even remember what they were. I was so excited and now…I am floating. I am not unhappy but there is a distinct loss of some spark, something.
Is it summer? Does summer kill my creativity? Does the oppressive heat and thick humidity and constant drone of the a/c suck the life out of the right side of my brain? Another coffee will not kick start it. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I know life comes in seasons blah blah blah (I’m sorry for being so rude and dismissive) but I want to feel more than just some baseline happiness. Is that greedy? I am happy. Am I content? I want passion! I want to be excited about something! I want to wake up with ideas and energy and the desire to hit the ground running. Create something new! And beautiful! And to connect with people who are interesting!
Aaaaand then I feel a crashing guilt that I don’t already feel all those things towards my own children. Why? They are amazing and I love them! But it’s just so. much. work. all. the. time.
The beauty and wonder of motherhood get so very lost in the constant cleaning, serving, delegating, disciplining, feeding, etc. etc. etc.
There are no Big Picture Moments. I feel like I’m drowning in the details of it all (so many feelings!)
I don’t want to be detached. But I also don’t want to vomit my frustrations onto my poor kids. Cue balloon mode.
Pause. Teach me to pray. Lord, you are with me! I know this. It’s hard to remember sometimes. You have placed me in this role, this responsibility, this job, for this season. Help me! Help me to do this work out of Your strength. I don’t have it in me. The strength, the joy, the contentment. I need Yours. I need You to fulfill me. I need You.
Teach me to run to the well, run to You, when I am in this place again. Teach me to drink of You. Be quenched by You. I am thirsty, I am tired. I need You.
Here’s what I’m already thinking so I might as well be honest. I am afraid that motherhood will not satisfy me. Will not be enough.
And this is true. It will never be enough.
Mothering will never deeply satisfy. There is no vocation, or pursuit, or relationship that can quench that kind of thirst. Not on that eternal, gut-ache-level as you sit alone in the universe, crying silent prayers to the night sky, desiring something beyond all of this and something that will never disappoint-level. Something more powerful, more perfect. Unlike anything or anyone else. Even motherhood cannot assuage that kind of longing.
And then I read John 1. Theological poetry about a life lived and given over and offered as the Only One that will satisfy. For our sins, for my longings, for our peace with God, for all time.
Lord, only You can do that! Only You will ease that aching place within me. You are the One and Only, Jesus.
The Word became flesh
and took up residence among us.
We observed His glory,
the glory as the One and Only Son from the Father,
full of grace and truth.Indeed, we have all received grace after grace
from His fullness,
for the law was given through Moses,
grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
No one has ever seen God.
The One and Only Son—
the One who is at the Father’s side—
He has revealed Him.(John 1:14,16-18)
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